I remember the first time I heard the phrase “nobody is coming to save you”. I was reading Nathaniel Branden’s amazing book “The Six Pillars of Self Esteem”, and it stung.
There’s an interesting duality in the phrase. Dual in the sense of how you can take it in and process it.
On the most obvious level, there’s a sense of disappointment or sadness, that any idea we had of a saviour is out the window. There is only us, and we have to get our shit together to make things work.
It’s also possible to take it as statement of intent. The realisation that nobody is coming to save us means there’s no point in waiting. Any action we might want to take is worth taking, because that’s all we have.
For me the phrase became connected with victim mentality, and the thought that as a victim, there should be a saviour. I had been identifying myself as a victim for many years (possibly most my life), and the feeling of waiting to be saved is strong.
It’s also a feeling that takes control over small things. Like how we talk about ourselves. In my victim mode I was weary of sharing good news. I felt I needed to be clear about the pain I was going through or that things weren’t quite as good as they could be.
Why? Because nobody will save you if you don’t need it.
So my natural communication was of “look at me, I need help”. Contrast that with “nobody is coming to save you” and you end up with a static, stagnant and negative situation.
Once I saw how this wasn’t compatible, I started to change. I started to speak about how things were quite good. How actually, despite the pain, my life is pretty amazing. Despite not having the money I would like, I’m still incredibly rich in relative terms.
This is not to say that suddenly the people I wanted to help me suddenly did. They didn’t. But it was a good way to start thinking more positively about my situation. Strangely enough, that made me feel better too.
I was focussing less on the details that were not so good, and more on what actually was good.
The lesson for me was that the fact that I can’t rely on others to help, meant I can speak freely about how good things are. And when I need help, I can ask for it from a place of personal power, rather than from a place for need and desperation. We all known the difference in how that appears to those around us.
Nobody is coming to save you. So speak freely about your joys, your good moments, and know that it will not negatively impact the help that’s coming.
You are not a victim, you are a survivor.